What am I worth?
What value am I?
I have had Fibromyalgia and other illnesses for over 20 years. I can no longer do the things that many 'normal' people can do in a day: work, clean the house, shop, cook dinner. On a good day I can do something small. On a bad day when I am physically and mentally exhausted I may even need help to walk to the toilet or hold a cup of tea.
I can't tell you when I will have a good day and at what time. It's unpredictable. On a good day I can do something for an hour or two. I went from a vibrant, energetic woman to one who sometimes cannot even go to the toilet without help. That is devastating.
In our society our value is measured by our job. The better the job, the higher the value. When we meet people we ask them "What do you do?" And so what value did I have if I couldn't work? Did I have some value even though I could no longer sell a kitchen appliance or clean a house? I felt useless.
I had to change my thinking. I had to find a way to value myself. How was I going to see my life when I felt useless? What was my role now? I decided to share my creativity and be the best 'me' I could be. I would be real, honest, open and find a way.
I looked at other friends with a similar life. I imagined what my life would be like without them in it. I realised that if people like myself weren't here, we would leave a big gap. We are the friend you talk to. We listen. We help out were we can. We have learnt empathy and compassion through pain, illness and trauma. We look at the world from another angle. Our experience is different and that may give us insight worth listening to.
So what value am I? I am a good friend, a loving daughter, sister and aunty. I support my husband's passions. I crochet for fun. I help where I can. I practise kindness and hope that someone, somewhere will smile because I cared.
Our value is not in our jobs, the cleanliness of our toilets, the cars we buy or the handbags we own. It is not even in our faces or bodies. It is the people we are inside.
A wise friend said: You don't value yourself by what you can do. You are valuable because of who you are. Thank you Graham. Spot on.
I think the older I get, the harder all of this is. I started a family very young, 19 and for so many years I had all of the girls to raise, be the mom, wife of an Army soldier, moving here and there, etc. They last move, as a family, was to here, Indiana. The oldest girls have families of their own now and it is just Laura and I, on our own. In ways I like it, long story, but I'm no longer married. Laura now has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibro, borderline Rheumatoid Arthritis, anxiety and depression. Whether science thinks these can be genetic or not, I think they are. I have 2 more daughters with Fibro, so genetic it probably is. I really feel guilty about this a lot of the time, when I know I should not. I try my best to hid how I feel, as I don't want Laura to stress about it. Sometimes it is impossible to hid.
ReplyDeleteI know this sounds all rambly (?), but what I really want to say is, Thank You. Thank you for being who you are, reaching out to us, helping us to not feel so alone. It matters, you matter, Jane.
Many soft hugs,
Deb
Thank you Deb. I agree that there can be genetic links. Convinced my Gran had it. But it is NOT our fault. People don't blame themselves for getting other illnesses. Why should we blame ourselves? We didn's ask for it. We don't want it. I have CFS and depression too. Maybe you should visit a counsellor to talk it all out. I do that sometimes. It helps. They are independant & unbiased and help you see things from a different perspective. We Do feel alone and sometimes we are physically, but I am telling you that there is a huge interlocking web of support out there from others just like us and from others who don't have illness but care. You matter too. You are caring and lovely. Hugs and spoons to you. xx
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